Or: How not to react to a spider sighting
Truth be told, I’m not too fond of spiders.
Okay, I hate them.
Fine! I’m completely petrified of spiders!
I am an arachnophobic and not too proud about it, but there is nothing I can do about it. If I were given the choice to have a non-toxic spider the size of a fingernail crawl on my face, or endure a trial where I was guaranteed some form of non-lethal physical injury, I would choose the physical injury ten-out-of-ten times.
I know where it stems from. Growing up in Ohio, we a nasty spider which loved to make homes in your home – the Wolf Spider. It can grow to the size of a toonie (or a silver dollar) and can run like nobody’s business. They’re fearless little buggers too. We also have about half a dozen species of jumping spiders. So, that made for a childhood marred at an early age by a fear of spiders.
MeowMix as well shares my hatred of spiders and spider webs
Fast forward to this morning as I open the garage door, step out to survey the morning only to be greeted by the biggest frickin’ spider I’ve seen in a long time. I scream, of course, and flail madly to put enough distance between me and the spider. Luck would have it that my neighbour is conveniently loading his bicycle for the morning trek in to his office. I’m sure I made his morning, given his poor attempt to hide the fact that he’s crapping himself with laughter deep inside.
“Everything okay over there?” There’s more than a hint of amusement in his voice.
“No!” I screech. “There’s a big frickin’ spider on my garage!”
Now keep in mind, I am freaking the frack out in the middle of my driveway. I cannot physically get myself to cross the threshold from the driveway into the garage as the spider will freaking kill me if I make a move! No really! It will!
The Green Plastic Garden Rake of Justice! Ages 3 and up.
Thankfully, my eight-year old is only mildly creeped out and comes to my rescue with a kids garden rake. Using said implement of justice, he knocks the spider from its web and safely disposes of said nuisance somewhere I cannot see. However, it’s still several minutes before I can muster enough courage to run back to the garage and hide in the car.
Meanwhile, I’m sure my neighbour has filed that morning chuckle alongside the previous chuckle of me clubbing a gopher back into a hole with a running garden hose spraying water everywhere.
Well. I suppose if you’re gonna freak out, you might as well do it in style.
– Rissa
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