Tag: funny

Five Kicks in the Pants for Writers

March 13, 2017 / Rissa Renae

Alright, all you “I’ll be a writer some day” writers out there. It’s time for some tough love. Stop using the internet or a Netflix binge as an excuse for not writing and get writing! You know who you are. This is your kick in the pants.

1. It’s All Your Fault

No, really. Who decided to check Facebook? Who turned on the TV and went to Netflix? You. And if someone else turned it on, then leave the room. It’s no excuse. Turn off the TV, silence the Facebook notifications, and put down your phone. Heck, if you need to just disconnect from the internet because you still haven’t learned to be responsible, then do that! The only thing keeping you from writing is you.

Would Giorgio Tsoukalos lead you astray?

2. You’re Being a Lazyass

You don’t want to sit down and write? You’d rather binge watch Orange is the New Black on Netflix? Then who’s gonna write that novel? Because it sure as hell ain’t writing itself. Get off your butt, establish a quiet work space, get in the zone, and friggin’ write. A couch potato brain only wants to be fed. A writer’s brain wants to be the one supplying the food.

Go away. Too busy being lazy.

3. You Don’t Need the Internet for ‘Research’

Catching up on your YouTube feed, or stalking your idol on Instagram is not research. Lack of research is not keeping you from writing, you’re using it as an excuse. If you’re stuck on historical accuracy or can’t figure out the best way to dispose of a dismembered body, make a note and move on. Research should be saved for your actual down time, not for when you’re supposed to be immersed nose-deep in writing.

4. You Have No Imagination

This excuse is usually combined with one’s belief that they need the internet and television to survive. Your imagination won’t come forth if it’s held in a corner by funny cat gif’s and reruns of The Real Housewives. Go outside. Clean the kitchen. Lock yourself in a room. You have no imagination because you’ve frightened it into a corner by all the crap on the internet. Let the crap go and you’ll find your imagination will start peeking out to see if the coast is clear.

This coming from a talking sponge.

5. Stop Using Your Family as an Excuse

How many times have you used these excuses: I have to cook dinner. I have to help the kids with homework. I have to clean the house. I have to <insert activity to blame on the family> . Now, the single parent superhero aside, when dinner’s done, the homework’s worked, and the kids are in bed, you’d really rather scrub down the toilet than write? Or are you really just sitting on your rear end in front of the TV with your laptop tuned to Facebook? Who are you kidding here? Only yourself. Your family’s not the excuse, you are (see Point #1).

Are you still sitting on your bum reading this? Stop it! Get to writing, you lazy writer!

Along Came a Spider . . .

July 20, 2015 / Rissa Renae

Or: How not to react to a spider sighting

Truth be told, I’m not too fond of spiders.

Okay, I hate them.

Fine! I’m completely petrified of spiders!

I am an arachnophobic and not too proud about it, but there is nothing I can do about it. If I were given the choice to have a non-toxic spider the size of a fingernail crawl on my face, or endure a trial where I was guaranteed some form of non-lethal physical injury, I would choose the physical injury ten-out-of-ten times.

I know where it stems from. Growing up in Ohio, we a nasty spider which loved to make homes in your home – the Wolf Spider. It can grow to the size of a toonie (or a silver dollar) and can run like nobody’s business. They’re fearless little buggers too. We also have about half a dozen species of jumping spiders. So, that made for a childhood marred at an early age by a fear of spiders.

MeowMix as well shares my hatred of spiders and spider webs

Fast forward to this morning as I open the garage door, step out to survey the morning only to be greeted by the biggest frickin’ spider I’ve seen in a long time. I scream, of course, and flail madly to put enough distance between me and the spider. Luck would have it that my neighbour is conveniently loading his bicycle for the morning trek in to his office. I’m sure I made his morning, given his poor attempt to hide the fact that he’s crapping himself with laughter deep inside.

“Everything okay over there?” There’s more than a hint of amusement in his voice.

“No!” I screech. “There’s a big frickin’ spider on my garage!”

Now keep in mind, I am freaking the frack out in the middle of my driveway. I cannot physically get myself to cross the threshold from the driveway into the garage as the spider will freaking kill me if I make a move! No really! It will!

The Green Plastic Garden Rake of Justice! Ages 3 and up.

Thankfully, my eight-year old is only mildly creeped out and comes to my rescue with a kids garden rake. Using said implement of justice, he knocks the spider from its web and safely disposes of said nuisance somewhere I cannot see. However, it’s still several minutes before I can muster enough courage to run back to the garage and hide in the car.

Meanwhile, I’m sure my neighbour has filed that morning chuckle alongside the previous chuckle of me clubbing a gopher back into a hole with a running garden hose spraying water everywhere.

Well. I suppose if you’re gonna freak out, you might as well do it in style.

– Rissa